To: Queen Elizabeth II
Many thanks for your kind sediments during this time of national ferment. I have assured myself that I speak for all Americans when I say that we will heed your counsel. After suffering through months of meaningless and demoralizing campaigning and weeks of tainted recounts and polarizing litigation, we have concluded that the price of freedom is too big to pay. You may be as startled as I was to learn that America has over two hundred million citizens, many of whom are registered to vote. Despite the fact that we spent several million dollars informing Americans of the need for change in our nation's leadership and the overwhelming superiority of my lineage, several million ballots were still cast on Election Day. Within minutes, I was declared the winner in the Expectoral College. However, it is obvious that even with the great strides we have stepped in information technology, the task of accurately counting each and every ballot is impossible when the voters fail to punch their ballots like we told them. As further evidence of the need for tort reform in America, my assumption has been obstructed by countless lawsuits alleging hypothermial civil rights violations. The fruits of representative democracy have become too sour to reap. Having floundered in the raging seas of independence, we are washed up on the shoals of autocracy. The "American experience" is at an end.
I have therefore chosen to relieve myself and assume the title of Sovereign to my American subjects. For the past year I have promised America that I would restore dignity to our head of state, and I can think of no better example than the British royal family. When it comes to providing a source of pride and inspiration to a nation, the record of the Kings and Queens of England is unembellished. As I'm sure you know, we Bushes can trace our ancestry back to Henry III, which makes us relations. I have also been told that no less an accomplished an individual than Gen. Colin Powell is a relation of the royal family. Such is the strength of our line that even the black sheep rise to the top. My family has a long history of wisdom, honor, and extinguished public service. We have provided America with leadership through such troubled times as the Cold War, the Gulf War, and the advent of Bart Simpson. It is my sincere hope to inbreed this wisdom into my reign. I will be a regent with results, a usurper not a denominator.
In gratitude for your kindly concern for your windward former colonies,
you are most cordially invited to be present at my coronation in
Hope to see you there; it's gonna be a hoot.
Yours in Monarchness,
George II, by the Grace of Jeb of the United States of America and Texas and of his other Corporations and Subsidiaries King, Head of the Uncommonwealth, Defender of the Market.
Copyright © 2000 by Eric Scharf.  All rights reserved.